i am i am i am

on the midway six-graders came in the bus
i guess it was mostly because they were noisy and funny, — still, they reminded me of my own class

i mostly don’t miss dead people, i only miss their presence 
got to learn it at the start of the war, as my first lessons 
i survived. i stayed alive 
through the bombing that started at 3.45
i stayed alive
      i stayed alive
            i i i i i ———- stayed alive 

to serve up what turned out to be fatal 
the death is the painkillers 
    its the life itself that’s a battle 
  that leaves no winners — 
   because as long as you fight you are a sinner
and only the limbo will clean you, little soldier, imperfect man  

i i i i stayed alive
       and let me never forget about it (amen)

on the midway i realized, no one in the whole bus would understand (amen
     amen 
          amen) 
how i was chained and guilted to complete strangers 
no one 
    not the toddlers, that slept on the mother’s arms,
     not the absent -minded elders, not even teenagers 
they were all fucking their heads
‘what do we do now that we’ve shared a bed?’
‘am i all the things that my mother has said?’
‘maybe that’s how it will be, a girl that’s forever sad’
‘should i tell her i love her or should i play pretend?’
‘i am not i am i am not hitting sent’
‘…that’s where it went’

so busy with sweet little nothingness 
they wouldn’t notice, they wouldn’t sense 
that there was a girl that survived 3.45 
that it was such a big miracle

   to even simply
       breathe
 to just be
            alive

hainka, born in Ukraine, has been writing since childhood, crafting stories and poems that explore the depths of human emotion. She is known for her ability to delve deeply into themes of sadness, desperation, and resilience. She writes in both English and Ukrainian about the fragile intersections of war, peace, love, and loss.