The Collector of Spare Keys

I bet you’re wondering where your spare key went. I have so many that it’s hard to remember which one is yours. You were the one that kept it under that mat with the muddy footprints blocking out “welcome”, right? Or maybe you’re the guy who put it in the mouth of that giant frog statue. That was a fun one. I took a selfie of myself reaching down its throat. Perhaps you’re the old hag who kept it inside your bird house. I’m sure you thought it was a bird or a squirrel that snatched it. Nope! Just little old me! 

But no, thinking about it now, none of those are yours. Your spare key is different. Yes… I had forgotten about this one. Your key was for a garden shed. A garden shed that wasn’t yours. Your wife had a lover and the shed was his. Yes, I remember now. You had grown suspicious and decided to follow her there. I know because I heard the yelling as I plucked a spare key from the mailbox of the neighbor, who was out of town. I heard the yells turn into screams of terror. I listened to the sound of you bringing the knife down, again and again and again. I am a curious fellow you see, so I watched as you dirtied the house in an attempt to make it seem like a robbery gone wrong. I watched as you wiped your fingerprints from every surface. I even watched as you changed out of your blood-soaked clothes and into the ones that you had brought with you. I am a bit of a voyeur, I admit. And still I watched as you unlocked his shed, grabbed his shovel, walked into the woods behind the house, and buried your dirty clothes and the knife. I even noticed that sigh of relief after you put the dirty shovel back in the shed and locked it up. You didn’t wipe your fingerprints from it. You didn’t even wear gloves. What a fool. Then you took the key with you and drove away. Yet… I still added another spare to my collection. You see, for some unknown reason, your wife’s lover had a spare key to that shed. 

I’m sure you are desperate to get this key, my homicidal homie, but it’s mine. You can rest assured, I am a watcher, a sneak, and a thief, but I am not a rat. I do not plan on sharing the evidence of your crime because I never give back the keys once I take them. But I do hope that someday they catch you, they charge you, they lock you up, and they throw away the key. And if there are any spare keys to the cage that they stick you in, you can be certain that I will be adding them to my collection. 

oshua has been reading since he was two years old. He reads books, comics, manga, poetry, interviews, articles, and labels on chip bags. He also loves listening to audiobooks and podcasts. You can find his website here: https://joshuadhammond.com/